My Awakening
once upon a time.....there lived an old version of myself. She was a mother of three and a wife, she seemed to have it all, at least everything she thought would bring her happiness, but something was missing. She had lost herself along the way in between raising her babies,renovating houses, a few career changes(model,sylist, interior designer, children's clothing designer, back to interior design) being an emotional support to her freelance photographer husband who traveled often. She was so busy trying to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister....that she lost her joy. The pressure to perform and keep up the lifestyle overshadowed her deep inner knowing that something had to give but she didn't know what to let go, so she let go of her- self in order to be what she thought she had to be to survive. Enter anti depressants, therapists, marriage councilors and a lot of parties. It seemed everyone she knew was able to handle the grind, why couldn't she?
This was my story....but I changed it. I jumped off the train to nowhere and chose a new path. At 48 years of age I left my marriage, moved to a new town and began anew. It wasn't easy, there was a lot of pain that ensued. Transformation guarantees loss and pain but it also brings exciting new growth and renewal. So here I am almost 51 years young,creating again, at my pace, fully awake and aware of my life and the beauty that it holds.
Through my healing process I found flowers to be my medicine. The very first thing I did was create a rose garden and a lavender patch. I spent many hours snipping the lavender, receiving messages from God (source). My anxiety seemed to melt away while I was in this magical patch of lavender. My biggest take away from everything in my life, the pain and the glory, is LOVE. Self Love begins the journey. You can't possibly be a great lover if you cant even love yourself. It's like trying to teach a language that you don't speak.
The question is how do you love yourself? We are taught that this is selfish, to put yourself first, especially as mothers, our children and spouses are supposed to be our top priority, we come last. This was my modus operandi during my marriage, which didn't end well. During my healing post marriage, I grieved the loss, let go of the shame of not being able to make it work. I felt like I had failed many people, my children, my husband, friends and other family members. Self forgiveness is where my healing began. Seeing where I had no boundaries, how I let myself get lost on someone else's journey, not having the courage to say "no" when I so desperately needed to. Instead, I betrayed my soul by not being true to me.